Tears so true...

What really happens when you know something is killing you from inside...but you can't say that to anyone...no one at all...

What happens when you particularly know that you are not being able to forget him (at least for the time being)...but pretend to yourself all the time that you have succeeded in doing that...

What happens when you know that he just thinks you as a mere 'acquaintance' ...yet you wait for a word from him...

Things happen in life, they do...without any intentions, without any reason...Things have happened with me too, all through my life...

I am 24 and still it is happening...in office, at the cafeteria...at the airport...

I still wonder when I started to like him. I still remember my first impression had been "Oh another of those regular guys in life...trying to be cooler than usual and friendlier than necessary!"

I still remember the first dinner at office together, the first walk together...and he came out of being a 'regular guy' to him...the first time I liked him...

I remember all the chats, all the times I started pinging him...and when I went back to check I saw it was me who had unheedingly been always the proactive starter of all the conversations...the first time he seemed a nice person, a nice friend (in spite of all that I heard about him...in spite of all that I definitely knew about him)...

I remember the first time I felt jealous because I saw another girl with him...remember the first time I stopped talking to him and started avoiding him (in fear of hurting myself again...I knew we were no match!)...the first time I missed him all the while...

I remember the first time he asked me if I was angry with him...the first time I wanted to hug him...the first time I loved him...

I remember the first dinner out, the first ride on his bike...I remember all the while him telling me about all the girls he liked...and knowing every moment that he would never feel that for me...the first time I wanted to go away from him...

What happens when you were just thinking about him, and you come back to your desk to see his ping...

What happens the first time he pings you on chat...the first time your fingers go cold and you blush...what happens when the first time he pings you, he pings to say that your friend was looking very pretty...

It's the first time you cry for someone who will never bother to think about you...

The Strength of my Weakness...

Life's a strange tale...of knowing and learning...or knowing again and learning anew...and finally of learning the unknown...

I make friends easily...start getting close to them over one cup of coffee...and I start thinking everyone is the same around me...and then, I know, and learn that everyone is different...sometimes, I am taken aback...sometimes shocked, surprised...hurt and bruised...

I forget very soon though and start knowing and learning again...to be bruised again!

And, then I start exploring the unknown self in me...

Over the years, I have learned one thing for sure...I am one of the most confused people ever born on this earth! I myself don't know what I want...I follow my impulses too often...oftener than needed...I know it's bad to be impulsive and I have learned that in a bitter way...yet, impulses always grasp me so tightly that my brain stops working...

Someone had once told me that I am very weak hearted...full of stupid emotions...weak sentiments that kill me inside me every moment I follow my impulses...I feel myself to be quite strong at times when I see myself tear through a veil of darkness, full of smiles and hopes into a world of sunshine...

Strong or weak...the question still remains...I fail to know myself every moment my heart sinks and my tears prick my eyes beneath my apparent strength...apparent eh? Well...i know that my impulses are my greatest enemies at times. I do things I ought not to do...things I promise I won't do...things I told myself repeatedly that I will not do ever. But, one bout of impulse and there I go...all those things I should not have done!

I have always been a victim between my heart and brains. My heart and my brain have eternally been at war with each other, leaving me shattered and spoiled...

Tattered in the tug-of-war between my heart and my brain, I have realized that my heart has always been the suffering winner...and, I have realized the strength of my weakness...I have come to the conclusion that my strong heart always wins over my weak brains...

I still feel, I still fall and I still fail

Just 23 years of life and I already seem so old and worn out. So many pages already in life that I have already started to lose count of it...I am still learning the art of living life...is it that long a process? Or, is it that I am truly a very bad learner?

There has been a time in my life when I had never been upset for long. I never used to sit back with sadness...somehow I would just wriggle out of it and be happy again. Somehow or the other...I just could not sit with sadness...so used to wipe them out and just erase them off...and that always seemed easy!

But times, they do change...and so have I changed with time. Life's not different with me...it's still the same...and I still feel sad and down...Only that I am not the same...and so, I no longer erase out my dark times. No, it's not that I have become a sadist and gain some amount of pleasure in making myself sad...it's just that I have lost the eraser...

Instead, I have learned to gulp down sadness and absorb the dark times...it's just that I now turn over the pages of my life more often...

I still feel, I still fall and I still fail...but now I falter and follow life...

It's not easy because deep down within me I know I am getting ruined...I know I am breaking...
But, yes I also know that I am rebuilding and growing again...

Gulping down your dark times can be difficult and painful...much more than gulping a glass of milk at the age of 3 or swallowing a big pill at the age of 5...

But, living in the dark times is worse...and so I choose to take it in and wait for what life offers me next. Very often, life takes a test of my patience, and keeps me giving the same dose...

Fine, I say...and I take it again...until I am so full that I can't take anymore...

And, relived...

If every moment we live life we expect something to happen in our favor, then we are the saddest people ever born on this earth...I have realized the truth behind this...

Sometimes life's really harsh...even harsher than truth...

Life can really make you feel that you are the worst...you are the least lovable of the lot...the most isolated...most lonely and the most unhappy...life's sometimes like a tough journey over rocky hills...and your heart a heavy load that you just can't drag along anymore...Pandora's hope fairy is hardly helpful during these tough times.

I have felt this a lot of times...and along with it I have seen Pandora's fairy flying further away from me...away and out of my reach...

Sometimes these moments come so often that you just feel that you have been engraved out of all the negativities of life...moments when even your favorite music can't help...when even a deep breath doesn't make you feel better...and when even good memories seem painful...

Sadness and depression have a tight grip from which you just can't free yourself from...I have tried doing everything during these moments...laughing loud...talking to people...walking away from the crowds...gazing up at the sky...humming my favorite tune. Nothings helps though...

And, then I tried doing something that a friend told me...I tried making a list of all the things that I have...tried thinking of all that I have that can make me happy...

I realized that I have all the wonders in me...of seeing, of listening, of feeling, of loving, of caring...and of hoping...I realized that just like all the things that I don't have in life make me sad...I also do have a whole set of things that can make me happy...only that I need to find them out...

I realized that I can be happy for a lot more reasons in life...for a whole set of lovely things I have...than being sad for some of the things that I don't have...

And, that made my load a bit lighter...and my journey a bit smoother...

And, thus I relived...

A Moment Lived...

Life is not always about all those moments that add value to your living...nor is it about all those people who stay with you forever and mean a whole lot to you...

Life is sometimes about the bits and pieces of emotions...sometimes about wanting a bit more and getting the bit...Life is often about a couple of moments when you breathe faster...an hour when you turn red and blush the most...little moments that add to your memory...spice up your dreams and make you live life just for that moment.

They are powerful minutes...painted with wild thoughts and sketched with untamed imagination...

About 1500 kilometers away from the place where I go to sleep and wake up everyday, I have lived moments that will still leave behind goosebumps on my thighs...

It all started with a wild infatuation...a stupid liking for someone whose questions I found dreadful and uninteresting...the someone who found my answers intelligent and quick...

It went on with a rising likeness for a great warm voice...an intriguing love for an unknown arrogance...a desire to know the unknown...a craving to speak to the unspoken...

And it all ended with laughter...words and being friends...

It all ended with a cloudy overcast sky melting into a spell of cool rain...